Meat and Pop

You know I try to keep up with current events, not because I care that much, but with the invention of the smart phone it is imperative people search/play with every possible app at every possible second. It's a chic way of saying, "I have a phone, and no attention span." Surprisingly, these constant searches and button pushings, includes *gasp* the news. So Hostess is closing and I.  Could.  Not . Be.  More.  Devastated.  I'm joking.  If I couldn't jest about fat people, my material would be cut substantially. But I can see why the world is so saddened, because people will put anything in their pie holes.  Is a pie hole a mouth, or a vagina? It's a mouth, right?
Just last night I made the horrific decision to stop at a small grocer on my way home, located in an even smaller town than I reside.  (Sick.)  I cannot really figure out why I would choose this backwoods store other than the fact I am lazy, I wanted an avocado, and I didn't want to drive 2 more feet past my typical drive home, because, as I said, I am lazy.
I find the avocado without too much trouble, which is shocking because there were few items that did not contain high fructose corn syrup as ingredient numero uno, or come in a dented label-less can. I quickly made  my way to the register hoping the smell of dirty pennies and food stamps would not stick to my hair. I was pleased to see the express isle (8 items of less) was open. I was not pleased to see a fat man with a cart filled with hamburger and orange pop. I lost count of the two items at 27. At first I was more pulverized by the fact he exceeded the 8 limit by at least 19. Then I switched my anger to the contents of his cart. What in the Sam hell was he going to cook? Obviously a heavily influenced hamburger dish, and obviously for the next 67 days. And who drinks orange pop? Why does it even exist? Yeah, I went through a phase in middle school where I would buy a can of orange Sunkist as my lunch. But this was just my juvenile attempt to look chic and aloof, like I was far too cool to be bothered with packing a lunch, or grabbing more than 1 item in the cafeteria. I guess I have always been chic and lazy. I can only presume that if you are buying 2liters of orange pop, you probably guzzle them straight from the bottle, all though I would seriously recommend a petite juice glass if I was held at gunpoint and told I had to drink orange pop. But then again, on the flip side, I don't judge (yes I do) and I suppose we all have secret foods we eat that maybe we aren't super proud of. What are mine you ask? Well, I can't lie to you all, I never could. I sometimes (like a lot) eat a classic ice cream sandwich for breakie. And while yes, I used to openly make fun of fat dad for buying the day care sized peanut butter, I have been known to eat a few spoonfuls on occasion (like every day, in my bed).  So I guess the moral of the story is this, I am going to start growing my food on my own plantation so I don't have to be grossed out at the back woods little grocers ran by inbreds who eat four times their weight in cow pies. Daily.